The NeuroAffective Relational Model (NARM® Relational Model - Heller and LaPierre, 2012) describes the human capacity for connection. This capacity is affected by factors experienced during early childhood development. This post is for informational purposes only and does not replace ongoing work with a trained psychotherapist.
This post describes the core needs that may not have been met in early childhood and the resulting survival adaptations that are engaged to protect connection according to the NARM® Relational Model. Individuals can engage in more than one survival style depending on their core need at the time.
Adaptive Surival Styles
Connection - this survival style combines a desire for connection while maintaining and experiencing a deep fear of it.
Attunement - this survival style develops with the conflcit between having needs and rejecting them.
Trust - the individual develops a surivival style where they long for and fear a healthy trust with interdependence present.
Autonomy - a survival style develops where the individual has a desire for and a fear of setting limits and expressing indepedence.
Love - Sexuality - this survival style presents with wanting to be loved and fearing the vulnerability that emerges within a loving relationship.
These survival skills are based on unmet needs and the survival style that was developed to cope. Accompanying the deeper issues is onging physiological dysregulation and identity distortions. The distinct lack of "identity" affects the development of the foundational self. It disrupts the course of a sense of safety, belonging and self-esteem. These individuals desire healthy relationships and fear them at the same time.
Each survival style can be address through therapeutic strategies and the NARM® Relational Model. The focus of therapy is process oriented as opposed to goal oriented. The following details how some of these survival styles can show up with the following symptoms:
Connection Survival Style
Core Fear: "I will die or fall apart if I feel"
Shame-based identification with a focus on being an "outsider"
Pride-based counter identification with a focus on role achievements
Behavioral Characteristics:
Lack of affect
Feeling shame about needing
Communicating intellectual superiority
Use distance instead of boundaries
Withdrawn emotionally
Relate intellectually
Lack of awareness of their somatic distance
Fear being alone and/or being overwhelmed by others
Exaggerated fear of death and disease
Fear impulses - particularly anger
Fear groups and crowds
Intense ambivalence - conflcit of fearing and wanting connection
Desire to fill emptiness and fear fulfillment
Difficulty tolerating intimacy
Want to know the reason "why"
Strong need to control self, environment and other people
Energy:
High intensity central nervous system activation
Appearance of low energy
High sympathetic arousal
Breathing pattern - shallow
Physiological symptoms and possible symdromes presenting:
Migraines
ADHD
Dissociation
Digestive problems
IBS
Environmental sensitivities
Asthma
Depression
Fibromyalgia and chronic pain
Chronic fatigue
Allergies
Anxiety and panic attacks
Attunement Survival Style
Core Fear: "If I express my needs I will be rejected and abandoned"
Shame-based identification with predominate neediness, emptiness and longing
Pride-based counter identification with a focus on not having needs
Behavioral Characteristics:
Difficulty sustaining energy
Longing for their needs to be met without expressing them
Liking to talk as attention is a way to be loved
Often describe emptiness in the abdomen
Expression of anger is weak
Do not reach out for what they want or need
Resignation
Encourage others to depend on them
Energy - generally low
Breathing pattern - shallow with a difficulty in taking deep breaths due to depression in the chest
Trust Survival Style
Core Fear: helplessness, weakness, dependency, failure
Difficulty communicating directly
Shame-based identification feeling small, helpless, used, betrayed, powerless
Pride-based counter identification demonstrating strength and control, success, user
Behavioral characteristics:
Underlying feelings of powerlessness
Fear of failure
Feelings of emptiness
Displacing blame
Feeling alone and unable to depend on others
Projective identification making others feel small, weak or stupid
Inflated self-image
Needing to be the best
Empire builders - when healthy they can be visionaries
Deny the reality of their somatic experience
Appearance of a commitment to others
Good at reading other people
Become anxious when they cannot avoid
When the idealized self-image fails they can be self-destructive
Paranoia
Energy - ungrounded, displaced upward in the body
Breathing pattern - inflated chest and highly armored
Autonomy Survival Style
Core Fear: "If people really knew me they would not like me"
Compromised core expression of "no" or "I won't"
Shame-based identification with anger and resentment
Pride-based identification with people pleasing and conflcit avoidance
Coping Mechanisms
Indirectness
Passive aggressive
Guilt
Ruminiation
Procrastination
Behavioral Characteristics:
Ambivalent
Complain of feeling stuck
Fear of losing independence within a relationship
Choose to please others over themselves
Stubborn and will based
Feelings of guilt and overly apologetic
Superficially eager to please
Strong feelings of humiliation
Believe that others have an agenda for them
Self-judgement and self-critical
Energy:
high energy
compressed and dense
pressured existence
Breathing pattern - contained and heavily armored
Physiological symptoms:
Psychosomatic symptoms
Neck and back problems
Ulcers
Colitis
High blood pressure
Pinched nerves
Love-Sexuality Survival Style
Core Fear: "There is something fundamentally wrong with me"
Shame-based identification with profound hurt, rejection, unloved and unlovable
Pride-based counter identification with focus on perfection, self-esteem focus on appearance and image, reject first to prevent rejection
Behavioral Characteristics:
Perfectionistic
Self-critical
Oriented toward self improvement
Mistake admiration for love
Difficulty maintaining relationships
Sexually acting out
Driven
Compulsive
Oriented toward doing rather than feeling
Self-righteous, judgmental, prideful
Seductive then rejecting
Competitive
Fear of surrender
Energy - high energy focused on discharge through motor activity in love relations with sympathetic nervous system dominance
Breathing pattern - armored around the heart
Making identifications with these various survival styles is not recommended without the support of a therapist trained in NARM and access to growth strategies toward resolution. There are specific methods used to decrease the defensive mechanisms in place and work toward mindful somatic awareness. Please consult with a mental health professional.
Reference:
Heller, L. and LaPierre A. (2012) Healing Developmental Trauma: How Early Trauma Affects Self Regulation, Self-Image, and the Capacity for Relationship. North Atlantic Books, Berkeley, CA
For more information:
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